The Comebacks That Weren’t

In a piece at the Wall Street Journal Joseph Epstein provides a list of mildly amusing comebacks that were never made:

The first that occurs to me is Dan Quayle, the victim, in a 1988 debate with Sen. Lloyd Bentsen, of a notable put-down. Mr. Quayle compared his experience to that of John F. Kennedy, to which Bentsen famously replied: “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.” I wonder if it might have occurred later to Mr. Quayle that he should have responded, “Then again, neither was Jack Kennedy.”

Elizabeth Warren might have saved herself much grief after Donald Trump mocked her as “Pocahontas” if, instead of running off to have a DNA test, she had offered a politically incorrect rejoinder: “Mr. Trump, I wish I were Pocahontas, so that I might have your preposterous scalp on my belt.”

When Joe Biden claimed, in response to Mr. Trump’s unfortunate remarks about grabbing women, that if he were in high school he “would take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him,” Mr. Trump replied that if Mr. Biden, tried, he “would go down fast and hard crying all the way.” But how much better if Mr. Trump had said, “O.K. Let’s do it. Shall we say hair-spray at 20 paces?”

Then there were the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearings. Surely the highlight was Sen. Cory Booker’s “Spartacus moment.” The next day, when it was Mr. Booker’s turn to ask further questions, imagine if now-Justice Kavanaugh greeted the New Jersey senator with “Hail, Spartacus!” But, then, unless one is Oliver Wendell Holmes, I suppose one cannot exhibit wit and expect to be confirmed to a seat on the Supreme Court, too.

I think that practically all such comebacks are in fact L’esprit d’escalier, witty ripostes that might have been made but never were. Most public figures aren’t particularly witty and never has that been moreso than today with speech writers, political consultants, public relations agents and other hired guns? Who needs wit when you have wealth?