As I was performing my regular Saturday errands I tuned into This American Life on NPR, as I frequently do. They were doing a Christmas-themed program and I was non-plussed to hear Ira Glass assert that there were no Christmas jokes.
Perhaps it’s my Irish heritage or the fact that my mom and grandparents were in vaudeville but I am blessed with quite a trove of Christmas jokes. Heck, I even know a Hanukah joke.
Here’s an example of a Christmas joke. An American and his wife were hosting one of their Russian friends in their hotel room back in the Soviet era. Rudolph, the Russian, looked out the window and announced that it was raining. The wife looked out and said No, that looks like snow. At which point the husband said Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
Here’s my Hanukah joke. Do you know what the best thing about Hanukah is? There’s no barking dogs version of Draydl, draydl, draydl.
Now because you’ve been such a great audience, I’m going to repeat my all-time favorite Christmas joke. It’s a bit off-color but I think you can take it.
It was Christmas Eve at the end of the most stressful, hectic Christmas season that Santa could remember. The elves had gone out on strike. The reindeer had diarrhea. Mrs. Claus had been, well, grouchy (if you know what I mean).
As Santa tried to finish the last details before getting into his sleigh a little angel came running up. Santa Claus, Santa Claus! Whaddaya want me to do with this Christmas tree? Santa responded tiredly, I’m too busy for this, Little Angel. Go ask the Head Elf.
A few minutes later the little angel returned even more excited than before. Santa Claus, Santa Claus! Whaddaya want me to do with this Christmas tree? Santa, restraining himself mightily, said to the little angel Little Angel, I told you before: I’m too busy to answer you now. Go ask Rudolph.
A few minutes later the little angel returned still more excited. Santa Claus, Santa Claus! WHADDAYA WANT ME TO DO WITH THIS CHRISTMAS TREE? So Santa told the little angel exactly what he should do with the Christmas tree.
And that, my dear children, is why, when we decorate our Christmas trees, we place an angel at the very top of the tree.
Please leave your own favorite Christmas jokes in the comments. Keep it clean, please. This is a family blog.