Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One (Christmas Edition)

As I was performing my regular Saturday errands I tuned into This American Life on NPR, as I frequently do. They were doing a Christmas-themed program and I was non-plussed to hear Ira Glass assert that there were no Christmas jokes.

Perhaps it’s my Irish heritage or the fact that my mom and grandparents were in vaudeville but I am blessed with quite a trove of Christmas jokes. Heck, I even know a Hanukah joke.

Here’s an example of a Christmas joke. An American and his wife were hosting one of their Russian friends in their hotel room back in the Soviet era. Rudolph, the Russian, looked out the window and announced that it was raining. The wife looked out and said “No, that looks like snow”. At which point the husband said “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Here’s my Hanukah joke. Do you know what the best thing about Hanukah is? There’s no barking dogs version of Draydl, draydl, draydl.

Now because you’ve been such a great audience, I’m going to repeat my all-time favorite Christmas joke. It’s a bit off-color but I think you can take it.

It was Christmas Eve at the end of the most stressful, hectic Christmas season that Santa could remember. The elves had gone out on strike. The reindeer had diarrhea. Mrs. Claus had been, well, grouchy (if you know what I mean).

As Santa tried to finish the last details before getting into his sleigh a little angel came running up. “Santa Claus, Santa Claus! Whaddaya want me to do with this Christmas tree?” Santa responded tiredly, “I’m too busy for this, Little Angel. Go ask the Head Elf”.

A few minutes later the little angel returned even more excited than before. “Santa Claus, Santa Claus! Whaddaya want me to do with this Christmas tree?” Santa, restraining himself mightily, said to the little angel “Little Angel, I told you before: I’m too busy to answer you now. Go ask Rudolph.”

A few minutes later the little angel returned still more excited. “Santa Claus, Santa Claus! WHADDAYA WANT ME TO DO WITH THIS CHRISTMAS TREE?” So Santa told the little angel exactly what he should do with the Christmas tree.

And that, my dear children, is why, when we decorate our Christmas trees, we place an angel at the very top of the tree.

Please leave your own favorite Christmas jokes in the comments. Keep it clean, please. This is a family blog.

3 comments… add one

  • sam

    I’ve been wracking my brain for a Christmas or Hanukah joke and have come up dry. The closest I can come is this one.

    This Israeli businessman is in a small industrial town in Western China when Yom Kippur falls. He mentions in passing to one of his contacts that he’s sorry he’ll miss the High Holy Day service. “Oh,” says the contact, “we have a synagogue in town. They hold the service, you can go there.” The Israeli expresses surprise, but his contact says there’s been a group of Jewish converts in this part of China for hundreds of years.

    So, on Yom Kippur, the Israeli goes to the temple (which looks, of course, like a Buddhist temple). The service is impeccable, the cantor’s Hebrew is pitch perfect. All in all, it was a wonderful service. On the way out of the temple, he stops to speak to the rabbi. “Sir,” he says, “I’ve been to Holy Day services all over the world, and I just want to tell you that your’s was one of very best I’ve ever attended.” The rabbi, Rabbi Feng, looks at him very closely and says, “Oh, you’re Jewish. You don’t look Jewish.”

  • C Stanley

    OK, my Christmas joke is a little off color too…

    A preacher was greeting the congregants after services one Sunday when one woman approached saying that she enjoyed his sermon but she had a question. If the Bible was the source of all wisdom from which we could seek answers to any of life’s problems, she asked, why was it that she couldn’t find any reference to a problem that she was personally dealing with?

    The preacher assured her that whatever it was, she could find the answer by turning to the Word of God. He confidently asked her to tell him what the particular problem was, and assured her that he’d help find some scriptural references on the topic.

    “Well, it’s rather personal, Reverend,” she said, pulling him aside away from the crowd. “You see, I’m struggling with moodiness from PMS and haven’t been able to find any mention of this in the Bible.”

    The preacher blushed slightly and felt a wave of panic, but told her that he’d speak with her on the following Sunday and share whatever Biblical references he could find that related to her struggles.

    The following week, he greeted the woman again after services and told her triumphantly that he had indeed found a reference to PMS in the Bible.

    “Oh, you have! That’s great, I can’t wait to hear it,” the woman responded.

    “Yes, it’s right there in Luke, actually, I don’t know how I never noticed it before. But quite clearly it’s in the Nativity story itself, because we learn that Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem!”

  • Thanks, CS. That’s great. I’d never heard that one before.

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