I agree with nearly everything that the author of this article, a parent of a child with autism, has to say:
Because for every boy with autism who manages his high school basketball team, there are 20 boys with autism who smear feces. And for every girl with autism who gets to be on the homecoming court, there are 30 girls with autism who pull out their hair and bite their arms until they bleed. And for every boy with autism who gets to go the prom, there are 50 boys with autism who hit and kick and bite and hurt other people.
This is the autism that no one talks about. This is the autism that no one wants to see.
The one reservation I have is that I hope the author’s prescriptions aren’t construed as letting the classmates of a child with autism assume primary responsibility for the care and support of their classmates with special needs. While it’s good, helpful, and even necessary for children to receive proactive strategies they can use to avoid unpleasant or even harmful developments, that responsibility needs to remain with parents, teachers, and other professionals.
Read the whole thing. It might give you a window or at least a keyhole into the lives of parents of many of the children with autism.
Well, I got the impression that the author was advocating that the parents and teachers teach the kids how to interact, not leaving that responsibility to the kids.
As a parent of kids with special needs (not autism, but with some challenging behaviors) I have a different critique though. In my experience, what she is advocating is pretty futile because the adults and kids who interact with our kids are often incapable of modifying their responses (at least in any genuine, meaningful way) to the difficult behaviors. Some of the people have good intentions and try, others really resent being asked to try, and overall it just doesn’t work out very well. It takes extraordinary capabilities for people to do this, and in my experience as a parent it’s best to continually seek out the small number of rare individuals who can do it rather than spending much time and energy on the rest. The other part of the equation is teaching your child to accept the fact that many of the people he or she interacts with will have a hard time accepting certain behaviors (my kids have high cognitive function and can understand this well, so perhaps this varies for kids with other kinds of impairments.)
To perhaps illustrate with a recent example, this time with my child who does not have special needs but has a milder version of the anxiety disorder that her sister dealt with (all mental illness, IMO, is on a spectrum with normal behaviors.) So last night we were eating at a restaurant and the boisterous waitress tries to engage my daughter, who completely shuts down. I used to try to “educate” such people because the interactions reinforce the child’s self image (in this case “I am shy, I don’t talk to strangers or look them in the eye.) What I have now found more effective is to address the adult, loud enough for my child to hear, in a way that reframes the interaction. So when this waitress starting going on about how talkative her own three daughters are, and that she isn’t accustomed to shy kids, I smiled and responded that kids are all different and some aren’t as comfortable talking with new people until they get to know them a bit (said in a really nonchalant, “it’s all good” tone.) My daughter, who had been growing increasingly anxious through the interaction to that point, visibly started to relax and then was able to respond with the requisite “thank you” and eye contact when her food was served.
As an aside, this is obviously an interaction involving a behavior that isn’t pro-social but isn’t as difficult as aggressive behaviors. But it is astounding how many adults take it personally when shy, anxious kids are unable to engage them and respond in a way that displays their anger and frustration.
A more succinct restatement of my first comment: as a parent I have found more success in helping shape my children’s experiences with the world rather than expecting the world to change for them.
Having a son on the spectrum I think this is pretty accurate, at least when it comes to knowing what it is like to live with some of these kids. Most people don’t really understand it. Even the higher functioning kids on the spectrum just don’t get along with people all that well, even if they aren’t smearing feces. Her solution is a pipe dream. It hurts to say that since I would give almost anything to see my kid have just one real friend, but the reality is that other kids just aren’t going to develop the skills and patience to play with these kids. Only through the bonds of family and love do these kids get to have relationships, and maybe if you are lucky a couple of really good family friends, at least the adults.
I would note that this makes me think of Downs kids. On TV and in the movies they have good jobs and the families all love them. In my old age, I take care of lots of kids. I like kids. A lot of them are special needs kids. A lot of those kids get abandoned early. They come in from group homes. Another group does fairly well until the parents die. No other family want to take them in. They get sent to a group home and then don’t do so well. The lucky ones have a sibling who takes over when the parents croak. The ones from the group homes are almost always less secure and more difficult. Often just outright scared to death.
Steve